I'm officially obsessed with Sister Wives. Oh yes, I am. And as I watch, I have to pause my DVR to let my snarky comments fly.
"Jeezus Meri! Did Bozo the Clown teach you how to draw on your eyebrows?"
"Janelle. Please. Would you just try to pretend like you give a shit? You're so passive and I know you are just raging inside."
"Alright. Who let Christine dip into the Happy pills again? And why is her nose always so red?"
"Why does it look like Home Goods vomited in all of their homes?"
And on and on it goes. I can't help myself, nor do I want to.
But I do have a point for the business owner, so stay with me as I give you some background.
It appears that this reality TV show of theirs is the main source of income for the polygamist family on the cult de sac and it's a business.
This TV show all started based on the premise of some bullshit that "love should be multiplied" and why polygamy is amazeballs back in 2010.
There's four women (Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robin) sharing Kody's hot beef injection while they live in McMansions on a cul-de-sac in Las Vegas. There are 18 offspring.
Kody was married to Meri, but divorced her to marry the newest wife, Robin, so he could adopt her kids. Which is a whole 'nother post on that #bullshit but let's move on.
As the years have passed us by, the love hasn't been multiplying. At least not in the cult-de-sac.
Here we are in 2017 and this income source may be drying up shortly, like their other failed businesses:
Their jewelry business never really took off and at one point was redirecting people to a porn site.
Christine got her real estate license, but didn't want to work weekends (ummm?).
Janelle is now trying to sell some fitness membership website which seems like a big stretch for her seeing as she did lose quite a bit of weight only to gain it all back.
And then we had Meri falling in love with some rando online and ended up kicking Kody's drippy dick out of her house as she went back to college for a LulaRoe career?
And then we have changing personal relationship dynamics.
Robin has assumed the new position of consigliere and seems to be at every important meeting sitting next to their neighborhood penis, I mean Kody. Which has Christine buddying up to Robin since good ol' Meri is too busy making new friends with new rando's on the internet. And Janelle? She's over there not giving a single fuck.
There is no love being multiplied. The OG mission of this business, the TV show, was to sell us on their multiplying love and warm the cockles of our hearts. I don't think I will ever use the word cockles and Kody in the same sentence ever again as I'm about to retch.
And now we're left with another dysfunctional American family that can't figure out how to bring us back onto their side and rooting for them and their "multiplying love" (or herpes).
If they want to keep the show going and the money rolling in these people are going to have to put the REAL back into reality TV.
Viewers know that Meri is leaving out a lot of the truth when it comes to her "cat fishing" relationship. It's called Google and the world can see it all. She needs to fess up to falling hard for the "catfish" and ditch the story she's trying to sell.
Viewers can sense the awkwardness between the entire family. Anytime they get together it's like a they're all hanging out with their least favorite relatives. The wives needs to fess up and admit that they probably wouldn't stop their minivans if they accidently ran one another over.
The Godfather Grody Kody has a perma-scowl on his face. He needs to fess up and admit that he only likes to boink Robin and the rest of the bitches might as well find themselves some cat fishes online, too.
They were in the business of selling us whatever the fuck "love multiplied" was and they aren't anymore.
They have aborted their original mission and now we're on a rather boring voyage on the SS Bullshit.
And that's how we get to the cautionary tale for business owners. Don't sell us bullshit.
Get REAL. Really real.
Don't pretend to be someone else. Don't hide stuff from us. Don't write us fluffy blog posts of only the good shit. Don't pretend you've just become BFFs with someone who is really a member of an affiliate circle jerk.
We're in an interesting time right now. Time is running out on those who love to have a "private persona" and running in parallel a "professional online business persona". These two what we once considered separate entities will collide. And if you can't find a way to merge them, we will come up with our own stories about you. A story you can't spin.
We want to know the real you. The person who does the same stupid shit we do on occasion. The person who has wins, but they are equally balanced with losses. The person who admits the stuff we all feel.
And if you happen to have the hots for a catfish right now, share that and when you find out who they really are... well, don't sell us on a bullshit story. Give us all the juicy details.
Alycia Wicker is an interior design business coach specializing in online marketing strategies.Her clients land more of their own dream clients and make more cash, period. Celebrity gossip whore. Elvis-obsessed.