I'm pissed. And you should be when you're done reading this.
If you remember my last post called "Where Can I Find A Business Coach That Doesn't Live In A Ghetto?" I was talking about a guru I hired once upon a nightmare.
I gave you tips so that you can spot a shitpreneur, or in that case a "coach" shitpreneur from a mile away.
Today, I heard another nightmare story that you HAVE to hear. These people are out there, ripping people off, giving zero fucks about how they run their "businesses" and hurting good people in the process.
Grab your glass of wine and get comfy for this one.
Once a upon a time, there was this Shitpreneur “coach”. Their online assets included a Facebook page and other social media accounts and a website filled with #girlpower bullshit, a selfie with a crappy filter on it (pretending to be a professional headshot). Oh and let’s not forget their newly Crayon colored hair. Let’s be honest, here. Only Misha can pull that off.
And I cannot forget they have the required picture of them with their "Hustle" mug.
Sidenote: I'm about ready to host a "Screw The Hustle Mug" bonfire because the mug doesn't make you a hustler. It pretty much screams out that you believe in unicorn farts and make-believe business strategies.
On their Facebook page, they have videos they had recorded with their luxury Kallax Ikea shelving unit in the background. Nothing wrong with owning that piece of furniture, but it adds to the clues that this is a shitpreneur you MUST stay away from.
In their videos, they tell you how awesome they are and this will be the best thing you watch today all in their fake "excited" voice. It never is. (Hint: You’d get more value outta watching that baby goat screaming video.)
Another Sidenote: Lest we forget now everyone is a “bad ass” and they all “kick ass”. I can’t even use those words again because these shitpreneurs have made them dirty poser words. So, my gang (and you know who you are) will now be calling ourselves “Tougher-Than-Nails Motherfuckers”. Virtual sashes will be sent to you telepathically.
They go on with the "rah-rah" platitudes about you can have the life and business that you want if only you would show up! And guess what? They will show you how to have their exciting lifestyle!
Are you ready to learn how you can play with these “bosses” of the interwebs? Fabulous! Take some notes…
- They only have 77 spots left for you to sign up for their ELITE VIP coaching program. The investment is an EASY one-time payment of $20,000.
- You must act NOW and do not worry if they don’t have any real content on their website, you’re just indulging in your fear!
- If you don’t hire them TODAY, you will never have the success they have. Or that fancy Ikea bookcase.
- If you can’t pay NOW for their ELITE VIP coaching, don’t worry. There are other options. You can skip paying your mortgage. Who needs a house, right?
- If you don’t want to skip on the mortgage (you party pooper) you can beg your family to use your vacation money or secretly max out a credit card because you will get clients instantly once you sign up. Know why? You’ll FINALLY be in alignment. And when you’re in alignment with your coach’s pocket book, clients just come out the woodwork and throw thousands at you, too.
- If you can’t beg your family or secretly max out a credit card, then we really need to put on our thinking caps. WAIT! Best idea EVER! You can set up a GoFundMe page and ask people to pay for your ELITE VIP coaching program because if they don’t donate? Well, they are simply jealous of your future success and should be labeled as “suppressive people”. That reminds me of some cult church I saw on TV, doesn’t it you?
- Wait, did they forget to tell you that this ELITE VIP coaching program doesn’t mean that they are working 1-on-1 with you ALL THE TIME? Silly goose. You have to pay $100,000 for THAT kind of EXTRA access. You get three 7-Minute calls. Don’t lose faith that this is the DEAL of the year, though.
- As an extra bonus, you’ll be surrounded by other people who were hypnotized by their unicorn farts and herded into a Facebook group which will turn into a cluster fuck of confusion and delay. *You may find your BFF in this Facebook group though when you hop onto Messenger and realize you were both duped. True story, that’s how I met Misha :)
- Now that you’re whipped into a frenzy and have been told how utterly stupid you are if you don’t sign up, you check out their testimonials to do your due diligence. And what kind of internet fuckery is this? All of those testimonials came from their BFFs. The ones they went to college with or ran some JV bullshit scam together. Hmm. That seems fishy but we can’t let THAT hold us back. No, we need to hire this unicorn of a coach! Time’s ticking on the EARLY BIRD BONUS!1!11!!
- Did you know they DO have a payment plan? It’s a BILLION year payment plan of $222 (Angel numbers, yo). No biggie. You’ll be taking selfies rolling around on a bed of dollar bills in no time!
- But if you decide at some point that this coach isn’t the right one for you then you’re screwed. You’ve already signed away your life. Oh, but you can buy yourself out of the contract for only 50% of the total fee. That’s sweet of them. Sounds just like a cell phone contract I got locked into.
Ignoring the warning signs, you sign up and they send you a “Hustle” mug.
The first day of your ELITE VIP coaching has you make the horrific discovery that they do not ACTUALLY understand business strategies.
When you question it, you will be told you’re either a) ignorant b) being stubborn or c) following outdated advice. They talked to their tarot cards and confirmed it. Yep, it’s you, not them.
So you shut up and continue waiting for this ELITE VIP coaching program to get better. It has to, right? It can’t be you. You just need to get into the groove.
Next call has them asking YOU what you need help on. Um… if you knew this was going to be a “phone-a-friend” type of service you probably could have called a psychic hotline for $3.99 a minute. But that wouldn’t be the EXPERT advice you were expecting.
The next time you hop on the phone they tell you to do whatever feels right for you. Well, you could scramble some eggs, throw them at the wall, squirt them with ketchup and drink a bottle of Jägermeister, but that doesn’t mean it’s what’s going to move your business forward.
I mean, if you had a little bit more guidance than “whatever feels right” like try ‘X’ for a week, measure the results and let’s evaluate” you could be making REAL progress. But, no. Be a hippie and do what feels good, okay?
Here’s the kicker. None of that shit is made up.
Let me repeat… NONE OF THE SHIT IS MADE UP. “Coaches” are pulling this shit right now.
I see you on their Facebook groups, doing your jazz hands at their bullshit stories and you buy the bullshit. I’ve bought the bullshit.
Not anymore. I’m calling them out on their shady tactics. And you should, too.
How can they sleep at night? How do they justify this kind of internet fuckery? How do they turn my most favorite words of badass and kickass into words that now out people as posers of the business world? Fuckers.
Please. Do not give these business vampires one dollar. They are regurgitating shit they haven’t tried. Could be bankrupt right this minute and are preying on people to help them pay their mortgage. And sadly, don’t have a conscience that stops them from screwing over good people.
You’re better than their shady ways. Run far away from these fools!
Alycia Wicker is an interior design business coach specializing in online marketing strategies.Her clients land more of their own dream clients and make more cash, period. Celebrity gossip whore. Elvis-obsessed.