It all started in July. I was lost and hoping that someone could save me.
Save me from my own confusion of what my business was about. It's something we all struggle with, but this was a bigger and more confusing conversation that left my mind feeling like I'd been sentenced to a life sentence watching only shitty Pokemon cartoons.
I was internally confused with what the hell do I have to offer to this world that is meaningful. While I would get emails about how I inspired someone (those emails are always nice). I didn't accept the compliment. I've always had that automatic internal response of "I'm nothing special".
I started on a journey of spirituality and woo-woo stuff looking for answers and confirmations of my internal feelings and beliefs that just were without reason.
It wasn't like: I could tell you for sure that Khloe Kardashian injected something into her ass to make it bigger. That was something I knew because I had Googled the before and after images.
It was like: When it came to why was I here and what I was supposed to do, I was confused. Because so much of what I bring to my business is related to my life story. It's my perspective on how I see things and how to create a life worth living. But meshing that with how to help interior designers market their business online and my life experiences, my stories, and feeling like they mattered? I was stumped.
So I seeked outside input to help me.
I found someone to do a Scientific Hand Analysis for me. That started the journey into a-ha moments and an intensive coaching program that was mind blowing and exhausting all at the same time. I felt like I had just been given an owner's manual to my soul.
The analysis provided me with truths I had known and what I needed to work on. But it wasn't a mystery when I found out these things, it was like I knew it internally but ignored it. Because fixing yourself is hard.
October last year was supposed to be a month of major shifts and everything would be great just like at the end of every 'Brady Bunch' episode. I'd done some massive work on myself, changed my thinking on things and should have been on my merry way to 'Enlightenment Town'. But nothing changed.
Singing lessons was my next foray into healing. I was always told as a kid that I couldn't sing. And hey, I'm no American Idol here but, I knew I didn't sound like a cat being strangled. I thought they would help me build my confidence and I might feel ready to get my head back in the business game.
That lasted 4 lessons. During the first 2 lessons, the teacher said my voice was good (remember I was just seeking validation and whether it was true or she just wanted to shine me on, I got what I wanted).
For the last 2 lessons, I found by the end of the work day that I wasn't interested in practicing or driving down to the spot to take my lesson. This road trying to find 'Enlightenment Town' resulted in me taking the exit directly to 'Downtown Depression'.
I just couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Nor did I care to figure it out at this point.
Instead I watched the entire Nurse Jackie series, Longmire series, lots of episodes of The Profit, a couple Kurt Cobain documentaries, Ghost Adventures, lots of Housewives and caught up on years of Beverly Hills 90210 reruns.
I did what I needed to for my business, but I didn't have the motivation to do all the other things I've had on my big goals list. I had no ambition. I felt so lost and confused.
Finally I had had enough. I could just go back to being a "Mrs. Might Have Been" and who would have given a shit? I would.
So I found a therapist.
I met the therapist and she suggested some vitamins. Well, first she suggested meds, but I didn't want to take those. Vitamins, well... I hadn't been taking those consistently for about a year or so... alrighty. I can handle that.
It didn't take long until I started to feel normal again. I could add happiness back into my range of emotions again. But I realized I had to actually take care of my ass.
I still like to think I'm some teenager who can do whatever the fuck I want and be fine. Except I've got Celiac disease and my body now doesn't absorb the nutrients from food that I need. #ihavetogrowupandgetapillbox
Now that I'm feeling better, I'm finally starting to feel the angst that lit my soul on fire. I'm tired of my excuses, the mean girls, the drama, the politically correct crowd and being more "Professional".
So if this happens to you, you're not alone. Everyone goes through crap. Just be kind to yourself and take care of your most important asset. You! <3