How To Write Like A Human And Not A Total Lame-O

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"Finding my voice is hard."

I've been there. Read part of this blog post I wrote years ago... 

Saving Money Inside Your Home

More people now than ever are saving their money which in turn hurts the economy as our economy thrives on spending. Here are some suggestions to save you money and help the economy by updating your interior on a budget.

Many people have heard the term going green and do one of two things. Shy away from it or embrace it. Some people go to the extreme of being “green” while others do what they can. Going “green” doesn’t have to be hard and will save you money down the road, so that can’t be bad, can it?

1.     Change your light bulb. We have all heard this one over and over again. They practically have given the curly-q compact fluorescent light bulbs away. 

*I had to cut the rest of this boring as fuck article because I wanted to kill myself. But I left the really vanilla conclusion for you*

There are many things you can do to improve inside your home. While we wait for the economy to improve we don’t have to wait on style!

Boring as fuck. I was brainwashed into thinking that I had to sound that way. 

Then I started writing like this... 

3 Steps To Avoiding Douche-tastic Decor After Divorce

It’s over. They're gone. That part of your life is over. You got to suck it up and move on. Don’t be all sad and pissy about this. Turn that frown upside down.

Sigh. So, really. Now what?

We’re starting over. We can do this. We are going to show off your newly single identity. Yes, we are. We need a plan. We won’t get there unless we start moving in that direction.

I’m addressing this mainly to the divorced dudes out there. Ladies, it’s not that you are 'all that' when it comes to “Divorce Decor”, but by a larger margin you know these basics. I hope.

First, we can not have your new pad, that is supposed to be a Babe Magnet, looking all Douche-tastic. Seriously. If you finally score a date that comes back to your place for a nightcap and she sees some fugly decor. Forget it. The love affair is over before it begins. Unless they are equally desperate and think they can change you. In that case, run. Run for your life.

First, let’s start with your furniture. If you aren’t going to hire the most entertaining designer you know (*cough* me *cough*) then you’ll be going alone on your adventure to furniture shopping. If that's the sad case, here’s what you need to remember.

1. Buy Traditional Furniture.

I don’t care if your style is “Pottery Barn”, shabby chic, vintage, “Golden Girls” or mid-century modern. My goal is to get you on the safe road of decor so at least, you aren’t scaring the babes off at first sight. Later down the road when you’re in love and all that crap, you can then create a new home together.

For now put on the appearance that you sorta know how to pick furniture by picking something classic. We can always inject your style with other things that are less expensive, like accessories, than the wrong sofa.

So when you go into that big furniture store and get overwhelmed after you walk through the front door, say your style is “more traditional” to the salesperson. If you go and pick out the cheesiest sofa/bed/dining table you can find that’s made out of the dorkiest materials (red pleather, yellow velvet, bright blue leather, or whatever the latest trendy material is) your decor will be dated in no time and you? Well, no dates for you.

2. Pick Normal Art.

Please don’t buy cheesy art. Yes, it could be fun in your rec room, or wherever but if you have light-up cityscapes, dogs playing poker, roosters dressed in ball gowns or whatever other weird shit that is out there in your home... You’re definitely not going to be impressing your date. She 'll have you pegged as a loser. Really.

Think about it. If you went into a professional person’s office and they have “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” posters framed in cheap frames would you want to do business with them? No. And your date isn’t going to want to do anything with you if your art sucks.

3. Introduce the Opposite Sex Into Your Decor

Now this post is mainly for the dudes, but it applies to the newly single lady too. Do not just make a female or male-centered decor. Think about it. You are trying to attract the opposite sex, right? So If I am a dude and I go to your flower explosion home I will run for the hills. Straight up. As a chick, I go into you home and see chrome, beer bottle lights, and nothing soft to touch I will look for a way to inject the part about having to wash my fish and needing to leave ASAP.

An easy way to do this? Women, add some metal decor. Guys like cars, cars are made of metal. The more manly you can go, they will appreciate it. Men, add soft, plush touchable pillows to your sofa. Ladies love to pet soft fabrics. It’s like catnip for women.

I could go on and on, but I’m hoping this is enough to get you started on the right path. Because when you hire me to decorate your new home with your forever partner, I won’t be shaking my head at your ”Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” posters “art”.

Finding Your Writing Voice Tips

  1. Don't worry about what others will think. There's a hater for every day.

  2. You're fabulous and there's not a damn thing wrong with you and your opinion.

  3. Be like Kanye. Without all the crazy. Believe that you're the best damn designer/stylist/decorator on the planet.

  4. Talk about things you care about.

  5. Don't worry if it's already been talked or written about.

  6. Go on a blog hiatus aka don't visit the blogs of people you wish you sounded like.

  7. Write like you speak.


Finding Your Writing Voice Exercise #1: Write like you are writing to your BFF. I worked on going from "professional" language (although I'm not sure I was ever really "professional" as much as I was boring) by dictating my words. 

You can use the dictation function on your phone to do this or you can do it now in a Google doc if you're using the Chrome browser. Open up a Google Doc, go to Tools, then Voice Typing. It won't be perfect at the picking up all of your words, but it will be a better representation of what you sound like when you talk as opposed to writing something like a term paper.

Finding Your Writing Voice Exercise #2: Share your stories. Years ago while I was waiting to hear back from the doctor about if I was gonna die (I didn't! Or did I and is this my ghost writing this post?), I was totes panicked. Of course, I ran to the bottle and a country song (because wallowing in your ultimate demise always calls for a country song on repeat with a bottle of wine). I played Tim McGraw's song "Live Like You Were Dying".... and I got to thinking: "Holy shit! What if I died? Would I be happy that I played it boring? Would I be proud of the digital print I made on the world? Would I be some crazy ass ghost chasing all the haters who gave me shit for how I write? Well maybe on the last one.

I didn't want my legacy to be bland, boring and totes bunk. It's not me and if I have nothing to lose, why not go for it? (Did you catch that? That was a story. And they are interesting to people.)

Finding Your Writing Voice Exercise #3: Take a phrase and change it into how you would really say it. For instance, let's take the ever annoying phrase: Pop of color.  Because really. At the end of the day a pop of color is really hard to quantify, isn't it? It could be a wall, a pillow, an accent piece, or whatever else. 

You might change that to:

  • A smattering of glitter.

  • The colorful magic bullet to kill boring.

  • A dash of daring with a hint of whore.

I'd pick the last one, but that's me. 

Finding Your Writing Voice Exercise #4: Write down phrases you say. You have phrases you use every day when you talk with your family and friends. Write them down and start to use them in your writing. Right now, I'm on a kick to add #bootyassbitch to my personal posts on Facebook about dumb people. It entertains me, plus by me repeating it I am adding it to my vocabulary database to supplement all those 80s catchphrases that are starting to get me a bunch of side eyes from the youngins.