F*ck The Fake Business Coaches

fake business coaches

I am so tired of the bullshit I hear everyday in the online world when it comes to building a business. Aren't you?

I help creative entrepreneurs leverage online marketing. But let's be honest... there's a lot of bullshit business coaches out there that you'll come across online that sell horseshit about how they'll get you success. It makes me want to punch them in the throat. With brass knuckles. And make them listen to "Feliz Navidad" on repeat as they recover in a corner. Anyway... I just need to get this out of my system.

I am not going to friend everyone I "meet" on Facebook because they say it is a good strategy to get clients. It's not authentic and feels icky. And don't friend me if you're looking for a networking hook-up, either.

I am not going to work on my business 24/7 and expect you to do it, too.

I am not going to tell you that you suck if you don't do business the way I say to.

I am not going to give up my sleep. Unless I can somehow start a meth addiction AND keep my teeth.

I am not going to pretend I'm some baller. If you're pretending to be one, we're are collectively gagging ourselves with a spoon over here. And we're checking the internet archives to see that you were a poser not that long ago.

I am not going to pretend that I love listening to your victim stories. I've listened to enough of my own bullshit for about 30 years. Let's move on.

If you ask something you can fucking Google, I do give my screen a double finger salute.

I am not going to tell you that you can "manifest" a million dollars overnight, in a week or while you're eating green eggs and ham. I don't believe that can happen, but I do believe that you attract what you believe you deserve, so keep your vibe high.

I am not going to get tattoos so you know I am a real badass motherfucker. I'm getting close to 40 and that shit's gonna start looking like a Rorschach test on my ass.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't believe in Jesus, or spirits, or that I'm not intuitive or that I don't use crystals because it may make you uncomfortable, you think it's bullshit or it doesn't jive with your beliefs. It's a part of my spiritual side that I use in my business. Take it or leave it.

I'm not going to pretend that I like everyone. I don't. And neither do you. Let's just get honest about that. Some people are just annoying. There's not enough "love and light" for everyone.

I can't and won't coddle you. I don't do that for my kid and I'm not going to do it for you. You are a big girl (or big boy) and you can do whatever you put your energy into. Bullshit excuses don't fly.

I am not going to exercise like I'm training for a bodybuilding contest because only in shape entrepreneurs succeed. I've never had a hard body and I never will. And it doesn't mean my business won't be a success because I don't attend a hot yoga class or whatever cool business coaches do. I'll do whatever doesn't involve sweat.

I am not going to give up my reality TV. Watching dumb shit is how I turn off my brain.

I'm not going to conferences to network. I'm a rather awkward person in places where I don't know anyone (think Rain Man freaking out) and then I'll say non-PC shit that gets me into trouble.

I am not going to align myself with slimy affiliates getting involved in a virtual circle jerk and tell you how awesome they are. If I tell you about a company, it is because they have integrity and won't screw you over by providing you with an amazing service or product that I have experienced.

I'm not gonna get a band of virtual hitmen after you if you copy my graphic style or even steal the words I use verbatim and put them on your website. I may send you a private message, but I'll skip the virtual hitmen. In the end, it hurts you more than it hurts me when you aren't being yourself.

I'm not going to hire a photographer to take pictures of me on my next vacation so you can think I'm living some laptop lifestyle. I do take my laptop on vacation to keep my business running, but I can guarantee you that I'm not sipping on a latte in a cafe smiling like a complete dick as I check in on my business.

I'm not going to sell you a six-figure business in a week. That's bullshit. I can give you strategies and we can come up with a plan to make you more money, but I don't have any control over how you're going to implement what I teach you. You could have the best of intentions and then not do a damn thing and I'm not about to take ownership over your lack of action.

You can grow your business, you can make good money and you don't have to work a bazillion hours. I can help you or you can hire someone else.

When you decide to work with a coach listen to your intuition, talk to past clients and make sure they didn't just start their business yesterday.

They don't have six-figure magic beans. Swearsies.

Alycia Wicker

Alycia Wicker is an interior design business coach specializing in helping soulful interior designers attract clients with clever marketing strategies. Celebrity gossip whore.